The Undisputed Martini Queens of Television (According to Me)

Some of tvs most beloved characters have had concerning drinking problems. Luckily they have television livers, which are presumably cleaned and performed for the stars before every take. I presume this but I don’t really know how tv or livers work.

The undisputed queens of tv drunks are unquestionably the martini drinkers. A glass of vodka or gin can be a weapon, comforting friend, faithful companion, or the cause of all life’s problems for tv’s martini queens. But they always leave an impression and they deserve to be celebrated.

Karen Walker (Will and Grace)

Karen Walker was never sober and often actively drinking. A martini was often Karen’s sole source of nourishment because she was committed to her relationship with her martinis. If it weren’t physically impossible and socially irresponsible I’d probably do the same thing.

I’ll admit to not having watched Will and Grace in quite a while, so I’m not sure how the character of an amoral racist rich socialite has held up, but Karen Walker’s endless quotable lines and unwavering self-confidence inspired many in the 00’s and we’ll forever be grateful.

Besides, Megan Mullaly remains a goddess.

Chloe (Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23)

Chole is another severe alcoholic with style. Also, another queen that seems to get most of her calories from straight booze instead of such peasant things as solid food. Chloe’s acid tongue and complete disregard for other human beings somehow never managed to get her in any serious trouble.

She also has an entire story arc where she has to process her feelings about getting older by having a weekend-long bender. This kind of relatable content needs to be known about.

Malory Archer / Lucille Bluth (Archer / Arrested Development)

In my headcanon Malory and Lucille Bluth are the same person. I don’t know the exact logistics of how she manages to live her double life, but I trust she gets it done. The mother known for handing out as many insults as she does Oedipus complexes, Lucillory is never without a drink.

Although she really has no choice but to drink all the time, everyone knows you have to finish your vodka once you open it or it’ll go bad. While her Lucille persona almost exclusively drinks vodka, typically in martini form, her Malory persona is also known to be partial to scotch.

Really anything with more than 30% alcohol will do for her in a pinch.

Paul Lynde (Paul Lynde Show)

Paul Lynde was basically an all-around entertainer and was all over tv in the 1960s. The drunken vamp was known primarily for his catty one-liners and being generally horny for dudes. Despite this ABC decided to cast him in a show as a married family man living a quiet life in the suburbs.

The very first episode just has him and his wife casually downing a pitcher of martinis. Presumably they were hoping the audience was doing the same so that they’d buy the flamboyant sassy comedian from Hollywood Squares as a heteronormative fuddy duddy.

It didn’t work, but Paul Lynde is still a beloved camp icon.

Eileen Rand (SMASH)

SMASH was the trainwreck of a musical show that needed to be seen to believed. But it gave us some of the most ridiculous characters with ever-shifting motiations and personalities, including martini queen Eileen Rand. This is the first of our martini queens that isn’t known for actually drinking her martinis.

No, Eileen throws her martinis in the faces of the people that annoy her. A lot. It became so part of her, she threw a martini at the camera for her character intro in the 2nd season credits. Her character may have been bonkers, bt Anjelica Huston managed to make the character epic.

Grace (Grace and Frankie)

Grace is known as a mean drunk and an even meaner sober. Luckily she’s typically in her sweet spot of just drunk enough to be pleasant to be around. At least if you’re a major stoner like Frankie, anyway. It’s unclear what she puts into the martinis that keeps her young and vibrant in her 80s, but I’ll make it my mission to find out.

While I figure that out, I’ll just continue to cackle at the elderly lush as she navigates the worlds of dildos, gay husbands, and toilet problems. Lord knows I’m going to have the same problems when I’m an elder.